When I thought life couldn’t get any worse, I was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). My first thoughts were,“Finally, an answer to my symptoms.” I was naïve to the reality of the diagnosis. And, in the middle of that new understanding, I was kicked in the stomach with betrayal once again. The depth of this betrayal paralyzed me. I felt like this hurdle, this cross to bear, would be the very thing to do me in. As I learned about PTSD, I believed the combination of circumstances−my history, the PTSD and all it encompassed, the most recent betrayal−would be just too much for me to endure. I had certainly surpassed my limit; my strength and courage were completely depleted. I remember thinking, “There’s just no more fight left in me.”
The hours of my days seemed to go on forever and ever. A robot, I struggled through every phase of them, longing to crawl back into bed as soon as I crawled out of it. Even the one thing I enjoyed, my daily walk, became daunting because it was the only place I was alone and could allow the tears to come. Thoughts of this betrayal raced through my mind continuously like a crazed animal races through the woods. Again and again I asked myself the same questions. “How did I not recognize this again? How could I let another one get to me? Why me?” My heart was heavy with “I should have known better. How foolish to be sucked in again by another one. More wasted time on someone who ended up hurting and disappointing me deeply.”
One afternoon after my walk, I had a little time before I had to pick my son up from daycare. I was drained from the emotional struggle I had just been through. I decided to have a cup of tea, trying to pamper myself a little. I struggled to find some peace. As I sat in my prayer chair, I grabbed the top book off the pile in the basket by the side of my chair. It happened to be The Angelic Realm by another of my favorite authors, Doreen Virtue, Ph.D.
Halfheartedly, I opened the book at random, really wishing I could just crawl back into bed. On the page I opened to, the angelic message displayed as big as life. Betrayal. I sat up in total disbelief. My heart raced as I read the first paragraph: What is at the heart of betrayal, dear one? A feeling of being compromised or unloved? Truly, the person who hurts you is betraying him- or herself alone. This person unwittingly cast a pebble into a pool with ripples that stung you with deep pain instead of a clear reflection of love. Will you now betray yourself further by leaving your true self behind in consciousness? Your focus upon hurt will only serve to further hurt you, precious one. You can do more harm to yourself than any other person by your continually focusing upon this hurt. As I continued to read this angelic message, I felt the deep, stinging wound begin to lessen. The feeling of foolishness began to dissipate; almost instantly my disheartened spirit was nudged as well to begin to find forgiveness, to just let it go, to help me get back to honoring myself and my beliefs.
If you are struggling with some form of betrayal, I urge you to pick up one of Doreen Virtue’s many helpful books. I am sure it will move you on some level to free yourself of the pain you are in, to assist you to find your happy, peaceful self again.
Post by Casey Morley – I have emerged from a life filled with abuse and chronicle my journey in my my book,Crawling Out, due to be published soon. I hope by sharing my story I can help other victims of domestic violence realize that they too, can start their own journey of crawling out – and that they don’t have to walk alone. I am also the owner of Casey’s Image Consultants, and a Certified M’lis Wellness Consultant offering Lifestyle Change Programs for detoxifying the body. I am dedicated to helping people improve their appearance and overall health from the inside out.