I was in a Monday morning yoga class; we had just started warming up the muscles of our lower backs. I was attempting to push the “to do list’ out of my thoughts, to get into the present moment, when out of nowhere, there it was, big as life itself. A cascade of sadness engulfed my entire being.
Instantly I knew these were very old, heavy clouds I had stuffed away, pushed aside, ignored, or denied, buried for a very long time. The unspoken sadness of all I was robbed of in life that I had yet to acknowledge showed up as BOLD as can be. As the hours and days passed after that yoga class, it became clear to me this heaviness would not allow me to hide from this reality another moment, another day ,or worse another, year.
The realization of this lifelong sadness buried so deep inside brought on a feeling of despair. As I moved from that despair to the first stages of mourning, I felt exactly like I did the morning I received the phone call my baby brother Sammy had passed away. Oh, my gosh! He was only 35 years old. This can’t be so radiated from my pores.
For years, I knew this sadness was within me, but I told myself,”Oh! It wasn’t so bad,” or “Don’t be such a baby.” But as I started to identify and name this piece of the past I refused to look at for so many years, I began to see it was a big deal. I was robbed! Robbed of a childhood, of respect,worthiness, being cherished, guidance, my innocence, safety, present parents, and the list went on.
This time I let the tears come, I gave myself permission to finally feel and speak this truth out loud. Clearly, I was going through another stage of healing. Obviously, I was ready to expose this wound and willing to work on another piece of forgiveness to move me forward to more peaceful ground.
Oh! The innocence of a yoga class! Where will you be when a piece of your broken past shows up as BOLD as can be? Will you be ready to acknowledge it, expose it, and get it up and out, or will you choose to dismiss or ignore it, stuffing it even deeper once again?
Hugs,
Casey
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